Sunday, December 11, 2016

I hope this is the last of the past of me

The end of the semester is drawing near, and I grow impatient* with myself when I look back and see missed opportunities. How I could've studied more, harder, smarter, etc. etc.

One refreshing truth I find myself coming back to is this: I chose to be here. I like being here. I am so grateful to be learning and in a community that promotes silent contemplation, studious solitude, and discussion of ideas as part of a fulfilling life. 
What a beautiful campus we live on.
A theme that came up in my conversation with my English GSI and my therapist was about how that balance in motivation was so tricky to maintain. We want to be good at something, and yet, when we throw ourselves blindly and recklessly into a subject (or life?), we often end up hurting ourselves by clouding parts of our identity during the process. Failure in that area we devote ourselves to seems to attack the very core of our beings. We forget where we started, which was eager anticipation at the learning that lay before us. Instead, we end up tumbling forth in disarray, dazed and confused, wondering: what happened to that initial excitement and passion? Is this really what I want for my life? Why do I feel so discouraged?

I wish these feelings would not come to us at all, but inevitably, they do. And it's not wrong to have these doubts. They allow for us to discern what it is we really treasure. We either press on toward the goal, or let go in search of a new one.

If you are discouraged, it's okay. I believe it is all within the process of figuring out this mystery of life.

*Through bashing my head repeatedly against thick tomes, (literally and figuratively) I achieved enlightenment concerning my struggles: Knowledge acquisition doesn't come easy, whether it's Biology or Hegelian philosophy or writing essays that I'm mastering. All these areas take time to get better, and maybe that's a good thing. Just gotta appreciate the process and give thanks through and through. 

Here is some wonderful music to cheer you on to the end. Let's finish strong!

See you all next week.

Love, your friend,

- Jinwoo

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