A Day at the Blanton Museum in Austin, Texas

 

An Ode to Martyrdom

Though sorrow and pain should disturb
Let nothing but the sound of angels be heard

Though wing-ed demons should take flight
All the world's angels crumble under His might

However momentarily brief our stay
Let us go with glory on the Way.

None but the eyes of God should see
All that has befallen me

Languishing, I let out a sigh
"Glory to the one on High."

My name, who desires to know?
All for the one in heaven, my heart, I bestow.

Parable

 

There’s not a lot to do around here. It gets dirty really quickly and no one really comes around to help clean it up. It may as well be a wasteland.

But there is one person who keeps maintaining this place. It’s a good gardener. He makes sure to check in every so often to ensure the plants that grow are cared for.

I walk over and talk to him.

     “What’s the purpose of all this maintaining? I don’t know who’s coming after, so you’re just wasting your time.”

     “Regardless, I like to tend to this garden. It keeps me occupied.”

     “What you’re saying is, you’re bored, then?”

“Not at all.” He placed his garden hose down. Every so often, he’d stop, look up from his work, and wipe the sweat off his brow. How long this man had been here I saw through his drenched forehead.

     “If I could see this plant grow, it would be my joy. You see, I have waited for this plant to grow ever so patiently. I think it’s going to bloom soon.”

     I shook my head, “But nothing has grown here for the past year. Why do you persist?”

“It is what I have committed to do.” Beads of sweat raced down his face.

What seemed like foolishness to me, the man continued to give attention to. He paid no mind to my inquisitiveness, and maybe even felt encouraged that I was curious at his endeavors.

“Would you like to see how I do it?” I took a step back. This was a stranger – someone I had known from a distance, never to approached so close to have conversation with.

“There’s not much to it,” he reassured me, noticing my hesitation. “you just dig up the ground around,” he motioned with his hands. “then you place the seed where you dug.”

“And the rest is just making sure this bad boy has enough water and care, every so often.”

“Eventually, it’ll grow to a point where you won’t have to take care of it anymore.” He stood up proudly. “it’ll get to a point where it’ll take care of itself. Like that one.

He pointed to a tree I only noticed when he had pointed to it.

The tree was old, I could tell. It wasn’t majestic by any means, and it didn’t seem like much. But there was a regal air about it. It had weathered so much, and grown strong here in this wasteland.

“That one, I knew would be magnificent... It just needed some love a care from me to make it through the tough seasons this place had to offer.”

As I reflected on the man’s words, there was a dawning on me, that whatever this man had committed to was worthwhile.

I took the shovel, and began to dig. The man helped me choose a spot, and I placed a seed into the dirt.

Years later, I came back to that spot. Wondering if the man that had helped me plant it still lived there.

I saw a green pasture. Replacing the desolate wasteland that I had been so familiar with.I almost didn’t recognize any of it.

The man came out of his house, a huge smile on his face.

“You’re back!” It was as if I had met him just yesterday.

“What happened here?”

“Take a look for yourself.”

I walked towards the garden, where he had been working and where I had planted the seed. The seed had found its home. Its branches leapt for many feet into the sky, and noticeably was a standout from the other plants.

“Isn’t it wonderful?” He stood beside me, marveling. “Who knew this would be the seed? But it grew ever diligently, almost on a schedule.”

As I walked around

The tree I had played a small part in plant, had blossomed.  

Musings

It's been quite a while since I posted here.
I think it's good to check back in to old habits now and then.

My parents are here to visit me in Texas - I was pretty bummed before they got here, and thankfully they came and gave me a lot of support.

I'm sitting here, thinking about where I am in life

Since I got here to TX, it's been challenging to find a community.
There's not really anyone at work I connect with,
Church community is absent from this city (There is one in Austin, but an hour away)

I miss home so much.
I miss Michigan, I miss friends, and family.
It is really tough here.

- Jinwoo

At the Cross

Your holy presence,
surrounding me.
In every season,
I know
You love me.

LGM Retreat

This past weekend, I went to a church retreat with a ministry called Living Grace Ministry (LGM). I've been going to this church pretty regularly for about two years now, and I can honestly say it's helped me grow so much in my walk with God.

LGM!

There's Pastor Steve, who is one of the most honest Pastors I have ever met. He's humble and open about his past, really shows a lot of love for his congregation and occupation. Pastor Steve has helped me organize a lot of thoughts about my own past and given me advice on future decisions.

Man, Pastor Steve looks good.

Then there's David Beck, who I met first in Harvest Mission Community Church (HMCC) a couple years back but coincidentally, we both ended up moving to LGM. He is perpetually kind - I don't know how he does it. He's got a gift.

There's Young Lee, who I've known since I was in high school, but only recently really got close to him through this church and college.

I can't list everyone I've come to know, but to say that this church had a positive impact on my life would be a great understatement.

The love, knowledge, grace that has been poured out to me through this church I am truly grateful for. I will forever treasure the friendships I've made here.

More to come on this topic!

- Jinwoo

Cool Habit

Something I've been doing recently is thinking out loud.
And through it, trying to organize my thoughts. On gray areas in my life or topics I think need a little clarification or just some good ol' catharsis.

I think of this task as analogous to cleaning my room.
It's gotta happen once in a while - or else it gets messy and uninhabitable.
Once you talk through some things that are a little hazy, you receive some clarity and a sense of accomplishment. Which in turn leads to motivation to do the things you have to do.

Try it out! Tell me if it works for you or not.

- Jinwoogle

Still Life

Waiting
Waiting
And more waiting

sums up the past couple months of my life.

If you didn't know, early June, I hurt my leg playing basketball.
The surgery went well, but the recovery time nearly killed me. For a torn achilles tendon, the post-surgery life consists of not being able to walk properly for 2~3 months.

"You can't walk? Hahahahahahaaha"

Summary of my summer: Not fun. I went from bed to couch to another couch to bed.

BUT SUMMER'S NOT OVER YET

Sincerely,

- Jinwoo

Getting Lazy

Haven't been able to move since the surgery - I've got my leg in a cast.

I've been feeling so lazy these past 2 weeks.

There's not much I can do besides watch TV or read.

My mindset constantly shifts from:  don't worry, just rest up this time. No need to do anything necessarily

To: What am I doing with my life watching YouTube for 5+ hours a day... I feel like I'm wasting my life.

It's constantly fluctuating.

And maybe the truth is somewhere in between. That I could be more productive with my time, but at the same time, there's no need to guilt-trip and shame myself.

Well, at least, I think the surgery went well and the post-surgery pain was not bad at all.

Injury

Tore/Ruptured my left achilles tendon -

Happened while I was playing basketball :(

Thought the people playing behind me hit me in the calf with their basketball. I was gonna get up and yell at them, but apparently nothing hit me... scary.

"What doesn't kill you makes you go get surgery."

First, I thought it was just a minor sprain because I had sprained my ankle before (right leg) and that hurt a lot worse than this.

I go to the doctor and she breaks the news to me. Surgery asap is highly recommended.
Going into the operating room on Tuesday.

:/   is how I feel about this whole episode.

See you next week,

- Jinwoo

P.S. Sorry about the absence - I promise to keep y'all updated.

Analogies: The Water

Ok I have no idea why but I laughed so hard at this

Some of the YouTube comments too:

"Poor guy... His face said it all..."

I think it's the way his legs break the water... omg....

Ahmad Azman - An Olympic Diver

Congratulations to all who graduated this year! Hope the best for all of you.

Even if your college experience was like this guy's dive, know that in life, there are many chances to dive. Into life. and into the water. Where there are plenty of fish. Which if you teach a man how to catch, he'll find his one true love. (Am I doing this analogy thing right?)

Love,

- Jinwoo

Hi

I forgot to post last week
And there's no way I can make a quality post today
Anxiety is high and finals are near

Hope I can get through... :(

Til next week,

- Jinwoo

A Look Back at this Year

Looking back at the year, it's been quite a ride.
I got to meet so many new people, share stories about life.

Literal translation: Move to Blue

It's really been a blessing I haven't reflected on enough.

A lot of people don't know this, but I took a gap year after the end of my junior year, hoping to find a little more direction in life.

The adorable preschoolers I taught during the gap year.

Things were okay for the most part during that year, but one recurring theme of that year was loneliness.

I didn't get to meet/know that many new people, and though I brushed off facebook envy for the most part, I couldn't help but worry I was falling behind in some way.

Probably drawn during class.

Irrelevant
Being forgotten
Looked down on for being a (super?) junior

These were some of the fears I had coming back. Some of you may be reading this post and thinking,

"Dude, you care too much about what others think about you. Just do you."
And while that point may be valid, (it is) I wonder,

How can we strike a balance in between having our own agenda and allowing others to shape our path?

I think it's a question certainly worth pondering over.

Am I being too general?
These past couple weeks have not been too kind for me, as the kindhearted readers of my blog have probably noticed. But when I look back the past few months, back to the beginning of the school year, it puts things in a different light/perspective. There are so many things I am proud to have accomplished this past year, and while I shouldn't sit on past achievements, self-recognition is an important part of moving forward. An essential part of better understanding the road I'm on.

And through it all, I think I can honestly say I've made the right decision to come back to the University.

That is, until finals hit. Then I will regret coming back.
Just kidding~ ^^

The nuances of life are difficult to navigate through. And if you feel like you're just barely managing, you're not alone.

Read this Till you Believe it by M.H. Clark

See you next week,

- Jinwoo

Caught the Bug

There's a bug going around.
It was here last semester
But it's bigger and badder this time around.
It's called I-dont-want-to-get-any-work-done-or-be-productive-in-any-way-because-it's-almost-the-end-of-the-year-but-I-also-dont-want-to-fail-so-I-still-have-to-try-itis.
AKA
Senior-itis
no-work-itis
disappointed-in-myself-itis
love/hate-youtube-itis
not-a-real-disease-itis

Hope everyone is finding ways to stay afloat.
Self-care is essential in dire times.

See y'all soon.

- Jinwoo

For My Mother

Here is a song that I caught my mother listening to a long time ago:
It's called, Because I Love You, by Yoo Jae Ha.

It's pretty old, but there's something about it that makes me appreciate it.
There's actually a piano rendition of it I love listening to on repeat.
It's a lot softer and faster-paced than the original, which is a nice change of pace.

This week was a difficult one, as I missed a couple appointments, classes, and felt so out of tune with myself multiple times. I turned in an essay late, and found myself so down in da dumps. It seems like when I brood, I brood hard (is that even a real phrase?) but when times are good, I try my best to squeeze the best moments.

Life always goes on though. Through the highs and lows.

See you all next week.

Love,

- Jinwoo

Goals 101

Here are some goals I want to share with you guys:

1. Lose weight

2. Gain muscle

3. Tone body

4. Be healthy

5. Stay healthy

6. Achieve greatness

7. Eat horribly

Me at the CCRB.
I know, I know. I look different with my shirt off.

I need some work on numbers 1-6 but I'm doing number 7 really well.

You say number 7 runs counter to my goals?

....You're right.

All joking aside, I think I set some goals that run counter to fruitfulness in my life.

It's possible to have these counterproductive tasks with productive ones, but I'm only setting myself back in the long run by having the unhelpful ones.

A lot of it has to do with priorities and seeing the rewards of daily discipline.

Am I being too vague?

Okay, confession:

I've been playing too many video games recently...

Low on life.

Halp

A Duo of Poems

Temptations
I give in -
too easily
though I know it's a sin.

He is watching,
and though I know,
I continue to do so.

His presence so divine,
never fails to shine,

Yet I -
I give in,
and always will continue to sin.

Longing
From beginning to the end
there it is again.
It comes around the bend,
here and there and then
it passes round the curve.
Weaving and winding,
swimming and sighing.
Gently arousing slumber.

You'll miss it as it flies,
back into being -
O what, what is it I am seeing?
A glimpse of the future, of love, or of meaning?
A visceral, guttural moan,
A touch gentle to the bone.

Yearning to remember
what it was all about.
Contemplating, breath-giving, life-taking.

Creation's waves at play.
Calling me, calling me to deeper depths.
If only I'd known.

You would see -
myself, my only self.
visible, unfolding, becoming
shaking free of the memories
at last.

Epiphanies: Part II

Coming into college, I thought I was able to accomplish everything on my own. There was nothing I couldn't really achieve in high school if I worked hard enough.

One of the intellectual feats I conquered in high school.

Even after failing a lot (a LOT), I still hold on to this mindset. It's horrible. I can't let go it because I've slept with it for so long and it's why I even valued myself as a person. To be capable, strong, intelligent, and independent.

I think society tells us that if we're not able to be independent, we're weak and less valuable as individuals, that there's something wrong with us, and that we're worthless.

We promote the image of the self-made man/woman, who rises from the depths all the way to the top, championing hard work as their motto and chant.

Can you believe it? This toxic idea that promotes superheroes out of ordinary people - which cause harm because of unmet expectations and constant letdowns within oneself.

Do you have any solutions? How do you come to grips with this attitude? Or, maybe you still believe you can do everything on your own. Hope my words didn't come off as belittling to you.

Love,

- Jinwoo

Epiphanies: Part 1

What I'm slowly realizing are the amount of resources that I have available - not only at the University, but in life.
I have a therapist, a big brother, parents, a faith family, health, financial stability, games. This is not a bragadocious post, but just a recognition of my life's blessings.

It's up to me to utilize and make the most of every opportunity, to figure out my life's purpose as I glean from those who want the best for me. The result, I just leave up to God.
At least, that's the ideal mentality, haha. I've been making the most of enjoying games these past couple days. Which is not wrong, but there can definitely be adjustments here and there.

Dragon Knight, one of my favorite heroes in Dota 2. :)  (Yes, I'm a nerd)

Hope everyone has been well!

The weather has been really nice here in Michigan. Which makes it the perfect time to stay at home and play video games. (Not)

Love,

- Jinwoo

Life

I'm so tired.
Of being tired.
I wish it would get better!
And it always does, when I get to the middle of the day.
But the mornings are just so damn hard to slug through.
Perhaps I need to adjust my bedtime schedule.
I go to sleep quite late. It may be hindering how I feel in the morning :/

On Friendship: Part IV Part II

The Case of Charlie Gordon

Flowers for Algernon is a curious, subtle, yet powerful book. The novel follows the life of Charlie Gordon, a 32-year-old man born with an unusually low IQ who undergoes a "smart" operation.

Charlie and Algernon

There's a passage in the book which I was particularly struck by. It goes like this:

"You've become cynical," said Nemur. "That's all this opportunity has meant to you. Your genius has destroyed your faith in the world and in your fellow men."

"That's not completely true," I [Charlie Gordon] said softly. "But I've learned that intelligence alone doesn't mean a damned thing. Here in your university, intelligence, education, knowledge, have all become great idols. But I know now there's one thing you've all overlooked: intelligence and education that hasn't been tempered by human affection isn't worth a damn."

I helped myself to another martini from the nearby sideboard and continued my sermon.

"Don't misunderstand me," I said. "Intelligence is one of the greatest human gifts. But all too often a search for knowledge drives out the search for love. This is something else I've discovered for myself very recently. I present it to you as a hypothesis: Intelligence without the ability to give and receive affection leads to mental and moral breakdown, to neurosis, and possibly even psychosis. And I say that the mind absorbed in and involved in itself as a self-centered end, to the exclusion of human relationships, can only lead to violence and pain.

"When I was retarded I had lots of friends. Now I have no one. Oh, I know lots of people. Lots and lots of people. But I don't have any real friends. Not like I used to have in the bakery. Not a friend in the world who means anything to me, and no one I mean anything to." I discovered that my speech was becoming slurred, and there was a lightness in my head. "That can't be right, can it?" I insisted. "I mean, what do you think? Do you think that's... that's right?"

The scene goes on in dramatic fashion - I encourage you all to read the whole book. It's great. I mean, it's really great.

But entirety of the book aside, I find the life of Charlie Gordon much akin to our lives.

We often think that when we are able to master/become good at ABC, that we will be praised, loved, adored. (Make lots of friends) Yet, when reality hits, and you find that people are more often than not, selfish, envious, jealous of success (not hard to find this out, just look in the mirror) and the praise you so longed for isn't there, we collapse in sorrow.

What do you see?

My point being: Friends are hard to come by. Friends that give a damn. Friends who mean something to you, and who you mean something to them. Friends who acknowledge suffering as a part of life - who don't see your vulnerability or grief as a weakness, but as an unmistakable aspect of life. Friends who are genuinely happy to see you succeed.

I mention sharing struggles, because that's become so rare in society nowadays. Social media is imperfect in its mediocre ability to minister to those who are hurting. So much of social media is about constructing this perfect, totally superficial, image, only filled with happiness and devoid of any actual substance.*

Can you find it in yourself to share? To take that first step and open up to others? In full knowledge of the fact that others have hurt you in the past? Admitting that we ourselves have hurt others as well? Can you find it in yourself to empathize with your fellow brother/sister when they're hurting? Not just give them advice, but to cry with them? Share and empathize, fearless of judgment/scrutiny?

Love,

- Jinwoo

"To love at all is to be vulnerable."

- C.S. Lewis

*Please forgive my railing against social media. It's just there's undeniably been a lot of harm that has come from such advancements in technology. I am, undoubtedly, guilty in these matters as well, so what I say should be taken with a grain of salt.